yesterday i hunted down subway and got a delicious flatbread sandwich with all the fixin's. my favourite sandwich. delicious sweet onion sauce, crispy lettuce, toasted provolone cheese all wrapped up in one of those subway sandwich bag. it was all i could do to not rip open into that sandwich then and there, but i refrained, placed on the car seat next to me (within arm's reach, of course), and drove to work.

i gobbled half that sandwich for lunch. it was delicious. i thought about eating the other half, but i again put temptation behind me, or in this case, put it in the fridge.

i thought about that sandwich last night. i even dreamed about it while i slept. i held off eating it for breakfast, waited through brunch, and by lunch, my mouth was watering. i heaved my pregnant booty off my chair and padded to the employee room. mmm.... sandwich...

only, no sandwich. someone had thrown it away. or eaten it. my yogurt was there- why couldn't they have taken that?

?!???

bleakdom

it's winter. snowy, cold, and too depressing. i don't know if it's the evening hours at work or the pregnancy, but it's hard to be motivated. for anything. i had a list of projects i wanted to do today, and i haven't been able to tackle any of them. my predominant mood is sadness. j threw a piece of popcorn in my face and i felt sad. i had to go to a restaurant by myself to satisfy a craving and i felt sad. i think about having to cook dinner and i feel sad. on top of it all, the underlying homesickness that i typically feel is pushing itself forward. i have a terrible case of the blahs.

blah, blah, blah.

i can't blame everything on the pregnancy. other than feeling chunky and having a hard time sleeping, i don't seem to be showing any of the typical symptoms. i rarely feel nauseous, i don't have any swollen ankles or fingers (yet), and i haven't experienced morning sickness. but i feel out of shape, hungry all-the-time, and my bones feel exceptionally weary. it's hard for me to not think about the things i'm giving up- travel, trying new things, spontaneity... maybe i'm mourning the loss of a lifestyle.

...

on the other hand, i've been able to hear bubba's heartbeat twice. i've been able to see bubba doing acrobats on the ultrasound. when i'm faced with these more tangible signs, i feel hope. and excitement. and anticipation. i almost get emotional. there's so much possibility, and above all, i carry with me the future. i get so overwhelmed with THESE thoughts, it's hard to even breathe.

maybe it's the seesawing that's so exhausting.

in october, this was joe's birthday present:

joe calls him sammy-short-for-samurai. and he lives up to his name. he was sweet, cute, cuddly-the qualities you want in a kitten. and then the honeymoon was over. now he races up and down the apartment, tears at the wallpaper until it's in shreds, had ripped down most of the blinds, and the shower curtain is riddled with holes. he howls when your in the bathroom and he's on the wrong side of the door, attacks your ankles when you walk by the bed, and has somehow managed to tear down my entire standing wardrobe.

yet he fetches. that's right. it only works with those twisty pull tabs that come on water bottles, but when you toss it, he races after it, picks it up in his mouth, then trots back to you, tab in mouth. he'll drop it at your feet and wait for another go. oh- and he crawls into bed with you. under the covers- just to keep your toes warm.

he's actually quite awesome.